And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

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3/02/10

Distance

There is no distance greater than that between the living and the dead. I have learned this in the most excruciating way. My biggest vice has always been that of allowing people to walk all over me, as I reassure them that everything is alright. Liz Jaroszewski was one of these people. I spent almost a year trying to be there for her at every single one of her downfalls… even whenever she was hurting one of the most harmless people I’ve ever met, I tried to believe in her, but I finally let go the faith that she could be saved. I have torn myself apart since her death, thinking… what if I hadn’t started dating Ryan? What if I had stayed her friend and been there for her whenever she needed it? I, of course, until now… did not think. She would just lie to you. She would just make you cry whenever you were worrying endless nights about her. She would have simply done whatever she pleased without thinking about the consequences or the people she would hurt on the way. I don’t want to hear anyone’s bullshit that she was free soul, and that she was brave because she was always herself and that she needed to be that wild child no matter the consequences. That’s pure bullshit. There is wrong and there is right, and a good majority of the people who I have loved in my life have never known the goddamn difference. She constantly called me a self-proclaimed saint, asking who did I think I was to make decisions for people? I guess I am no one… I just wanted to keep such a beautiful, fragile mind safe… rather than watch it disintegrate to the point where it was worthless and thrown away a cold September night that will always be remembered in my mind… due to two towers burning to the ground and a beautiful girl’s angel glow going dull. You are selfish, Liz… you always were and you ended your life in your final selfish act. You took from everyone you were near like a leech, and in the end… we were all left with nothing… I cannot feel guilty that I was not there for you in the end, because in all honesty… you never wanted me there to begin with. You never wanted anyone. It was all Liz and that is it. That is all it ever would be. And the sad truth is, you fucking hated Liz so much that you killed her. Very poetic. Very Liz.

Lightness

Every day is a constant battle with a condition like depression. I know I am better than I used to be, but I still have to fight to keep my head above water even on my best days. Most days I can take anything, and that is because of one person and one person only. His name is Ryan Trimble. He is the thing that lets me know that there is still goodness in the world even if it seems to have become the most corrupt piece of garbage anyone could ever imagine. Kissing his lips, pushing his hair from his eyes, watching his first hazy smile in the morning… it can only be described as heavenly. I cannot imagine a more beautiful creature. No heaven can overwhelm me the way his presence does. I just wanted to take the time to address my absolute adoration of you, Ryan. You are an angel, and you have changed my life in ways you could never imagine. Every day I smile wide, knowing I will come home to see you and lay beside you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was… It must have been legendary.